When to help?

This is a question I have been bothering myself with, as well as ‘when to communicate?’

Apparently, the reactions I get when I write about something, when I talk about something are different from person to person. And it isn’t that I try to convince others to like or agree with me; it’s that sometimes I feel I actually cause upset, as what I talk about might be way above a person’s tolerance level. Some people can actually freak out with words. Words are not an optimum way to communicate, anyway.

Some are so disillusioned at the topic of help that they will neither offer nor receive nor believe it in case they observe it. They are probably stuck with ‘fighting’ or ‘betraying’ and that’s how they will perceive help to be, even if it is honest, and that’s how they will respond to it, as well.

The most distrustful people I have met are the serial dishonest ones, those who destroy in the name of help, no matter how concealed that might be. They see in everyone and accuse everyone of what they are and do themselves. The second most distrustful are their victims, who actually sort of ‘trust’ (are being naive) the dishonest ones while they oppose all the rest, and all their life appears to be against them. Actually, they are against themselves, first.

Apparently, a society is called a society as one communicates with and helps the other, one offers something to the other and also takes something back from another, so you have a system working –same with a relationship. And if half of us were exclusively occupied with doing that, we would have a paradise of a society. But you see, if I go to work just so as to make money, and not to offer something, if a burger shop sells barely edible burgers, if a councellor offers help at a price, and the person helped is not only not-helped but also worsens, then we have betrayal, and not help, despite appearances. So, that way one can become disillusioned at the whole subject of help too.

By the way, you can know whether somebody helps or not by actually examining what he’s helped, and not by counting the number of diplomas, bucks, percentage of silk his tie is made of and amount of respect he gets, as those can be fake too. Does he actually offer something, and the other guy actually receive something (beneficial)? In the end that’s what matters.

It’s pretty typical of guys who don’t actually help, but pretend to, to wish to create a monopoly. That way their betrayal remains concealed and their desired domination becomes total. So, in more or less obvious ways, they become disrespectful of others too.

Let’s not ommit something even more important than all that: Some just don’t need help. Some are self determined enough over a subject or in general to be able to make it by themselves. I wouldn’t go offer 5 bucks to a millionaire to help him get by, even more to point out to him how to make money better, even more if I had less money than him. I wouldn’t stick my nose into another’s relationship by any means whatsoever. But if they were about to break up, and didn’t really want to, I could, if invited.

Help is no excuse to violate privacy and self determination. Actual help for me is that which enhances my self determination. That’s what I’m willing to take as well as to offer. And often those who offer advices or other help in places they don’t belong to, create problems instead of solving any. I ensure you, two who are honest and understand each other will do much better without any help. External influences would enter as unknown invaders between them and then one couldn’t explain (understand) the ideas of the other, as he or she would be speaking the ideas of an unknown third person. And specialy if those ideas were of critical, hostile nature, they could create conflicts between them.

And I -in turn- am only addressed to those who think they’d benefit in one way or another by what they read from me. I’m don’t tell anybody that ‘I know better’. It’s all free and for free.

I couldn’t care less to antagonize another who would disagree with me. Alas, some are drawn to what they hate more than to what they love, as all they have in mind is to destroy, and I try to avoid that myself.

I let myself and others go their way, co-operate -or not- freely, as long and they also respect that freedom in others, and neither try to enforce nor to trick (betray) and try take other’s self determination away. In such a case, if I bashed at it with all my strength, it would be help from my behalf, to all the rest, and not harmful -at large- at all.

If you wonder why I do all this, it is because I acknowledge this to be one of my roles in life. And I personaly don’t need to get paid for it, as when I do offer something useful, I do receive another useful things, even ‘by chance’. On the contrary if I offered empty words, I’d only get trouble. So you see I have much interest in being honest and genuinely helpful, and I don’t think I’d need to lie to make money.

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3 thoughts on “When to help?

  1. This is actually a topic I’m struggling to come to terms with in my own life. I’ve always been a “helper,” or so I thought, genuinely desiring to be useful to other people. It is only fairly recently that I’ve come to acknowledge that part of that “helpfulness” is an attempt to exercise control (gaining power over the environment by influencing change), and part is about a false sense of self-worth (as in, I have a “reason” to exist).

    More recently, I have made a conscious effort to step back and let people deal with their own lives and issues, without my usually unsolicited advice. If they ask for specific “help,” and I can (and want) to give it, I do; if I can’t or don’t want to, I don’t.

    It’s a process, and I don’t practice it perfectly, but I am getting better at recognizing where those boundaries are, at least… Thanks for this post, Spyros! It was helpful to me…

    1. Yes, for me the optimum is for each one to not need help too. Alas in human co-existence it is needed. One can have his cows and milk. But he will also need clothes and shelter, for starters… I prefer to see that exchange as help than as obligation.

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